The impact of self-neglect
Anne has written about her struggles with self-neglect, how that has impacted on her life, and where this obstacle comes from.
CW: Discussion of abuse and trauma.
The impact of self-neglect.
Hi my name is Anne. I’ve got complex post-traumatic stress disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, and depression. I struggle with dissociation, flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, and chronic neck, back, and shoulder pain, and I’m really isolated as I don’t have any adult family or friends. I wanted to write about self-neglect, as even though it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life, I feel like Covid really set me back a lot, with face-to-face support not being open, and I feel like I didn’t really have the energy or motivation to look after myself. Self-neglect is a struggle to take care of your daily self care needs, and is something I’ve struggled with – throughout my entire life brushing my teeth or brushing my hair and showering have always been a real difficulty for me.
It’s something that is still hard for me to do, it’s something that I work hard to keep on top of, and I’m in a better place than I was.
Struggling with self-neglect has had a massive impact on my life, I feel it’s one of the reasons why I’m so isolated. I have been banned from groups in the past due to my lack of personal hygiene and been sent home from volunteering. This was a few years ago and I feel like I’m in a much better place than I was, but at the moment I feel too anxious to return to any face-to-face groups in case it happens again. I’m hoping one day soon I feel ready to go back.
The reasons why I struggle with self-neglect is due to me being abused as a child for three years from the ages of seven until ten, where the person who abused me forced me to take showers afterwards almost every weekend for those three years. I feel okay to share this as I’d like to let people know the reason why I struggle with showering. As an adult at 32, taking a shower sometimes still brings back images of when I was abused as a child, making it a difficult experience. I do get a shower most days but it often takes me a long time to find the energy to actually go in the shower as afterwards the smell of any shower gel and just physically being in the shower can trigger a lot of flashbacks that last a long time afterwards. I do try and make my bathroom a relaxing space and use nice-scented shower gel but it’s something that is still hard for me to do, it’s something that I work hard to keep on top of, and I’m in a better place than I was as a teen. I was also neglected emotionally and physically as a child by my mum and feel like this is another reason why I struggle with self-neglect as an adult.
Most days I do my best to find the energy to take care of myself.
The pandemic and lockdown made it a lot harder to look after myself last year when all the face-to-face support stopped and I found it hard to find the energy to look after myself. It was harder to do my self-care routine when I was on my own day and night. I also found it hard with everything shifting to remote communication as I really struggle with being on Zoom.
I feel like a combination of many therapies over the years have helped me to be in a much better place than I was with my personal hygiene – at the age of 32 I find that I’m in the best place that I’ve ever been. I still often feel worthless and have negative thoughts about myself which always make it harder to take care of myself, but most days I do my best to find the energy to take care of myself.